Nice Guy and Total Jerk

We have a family friend who is seen as just an all around nice guy to some but a complete jerk to others. I tend to lean more on the all around nice guy side when it comes to this young man of twenty-three. At least I feel this way this week. I've seen him in both realms. This week though I think he is a nice guy. People do not give him credit for being as caring as he is.

Don't you just love young people? The thrill of being gung-ho about yourself and confident that you know everything that life will throw at you. Fully deceived by your own unwillingness to listen to anyone but yourself and your friends who are the same age. This dark haired man is tall and lean with a winning smile that has charmed the pants off of one or two ladies, more like ten or fifteen no doubt but that's his secret and I really don't want to go there. I am not one of them. I'm old so he's more like the little brother type.

Anyway, he got into a big tiff with his brother and parents last night. They attempted to expose all of his demons but he in turn questioned theirs. As you may have guessed, this never goes over well. Then add a little alcohol to the situation and needless to say it turned an ugly shade of reality that nobody wanted to face. My nice guy/jerk friend was devastated emotionally by the way he was treated by his parents when they attempted to point the finger at him. He retaliated or came to his own defense and reminded them that there were four fingers pointing back at them. Eventually, he honestly broke down. Between the stress going on in his life and the lack of support from anyone he felt like his life was emotionally bankrupt. I am hurt that he was wounded this way.

What does it take to bring a strong-willed man down to his knees? Only the disapproval and accusations of the people most of us hold most dear--our parents. He was correct in his assessment of his own life and asking why his parents are so upset with him for modeling much of the same behavior he saw from them as he grew up. It was a truth hurts epiphany that nobody was willing to discuss but him. I was not there but herd the blow by blow account from one of my 'Drama Queen' friends that witnesses the entire affair. She explained how hurt he was.

I can only imagine the fire flickering and then extinguished from his eyes. Eyes can tell so much and he wears his emotion right there in his eyes. He may have a shaggy beard one day, a clean cut goatee the next, maybe baby-faced and bare the next day but all of his emotions wait to be discovered behind his brooding brows that are the final sentries that protect him from others. This was no bump in life, in my opinion, I think they tried to kill him, a little prize for his honest assessment of how his failures really are part of the failings of his parents. For me, the entire experience solidifies the idea that words can be so harmful to others. It made me shake my head and think no wonder he is all screwed up. He had no choice but to be a dysfunctional adult. Recovery?

I hope he can recover from this terrible tangle with truth. There are all of those catchy bumper sticker and poster sayings that assure you that life is tough but if you buck up enough you can overcome the obstacles of life. What if he can't and what about all of the others who never recover from the hurtful words and disapproval inflicted by the ones you love the most? I want to tell him that I know what happened to him, and mother him in some way and tell him he's a good kid on the verge of great things in his life. People do not always accept these words as truth from friends because they know that most generally that their friends like them. I hope that when I am able to talk to him about this that I can express myself in a way that will not demean him as just the old motherly friend.

You betcha though he can be a real jerk. This guy is too kind and ladies see things in him that make them crazy in love with his smile and his dark wavy hair. He's not exactly a love them and leave them type he's more of the love them and string them along until one girlfriend finds out about the other girlfriend. This gives him just the right amount of jerk quality. I guess as long as you are not romantically involved with him you are safe to call him an all around nice guy. At the end of the day, he will always help a friend in need and is a hard worker, he broke his hand in a scuffle with a guy (his neighbor) when the guy was assaulting his girlfriend in the other apartment. The neighbor told him to mind his own business and my friend showed the guy what it was like to get beat up. He risked life and limb over a woman he didn't even know.

He's rowdy when he drinks but fun when he's not. At twenty-three he's seen more than I ever want my own kids to experience in a lifetime. At the end of the day, I hope to get the chance to talk to this young man and instill some wisdom and confidence in him, he needs to be able to love himself. In my opinion, his parents should be glad that he has not vowed to turn his back on them completely after the things that were said. A lesser man would have walked away forever.

Others

This week we are supposed to write about 'others' or someone/something other than you. As you know, my 'others' are people who are not African-American.

I am happy to report that Damali Ayo is correct in her assessment of 'other' than African American people. I tried the hairstyle pictured just to test her theory that people love to touch ethnic hair. There is truth to this. This experiment has started a little slow but I hadn't been out of my office much yet this morning. Whamo! My very first outing I got a taker.

Incident # 2

She pushed her chair back from her desk, beaming with excitement. "Oh your hair looks great!" Slowly she inched forward. towards me. It It was incredibly difficult for me not to give the 'don't you dare touch my hair' face. I usually wear it with a badge of courage daring anyone to reach my head without a gentle slap. I did not panic nor give the vile look.

"Is this the way you hair really is?"
"Is this the way your hair looks when you go to bed"
"How did you get it to do that, did you just twist it around?"

(Those are real comments by the way)

I did not panic. The excitement and enthusiasm people have this morning as I roam though offices with my new quaff has been amazing. "Your hair looks really cute." My prime target did not touch my hair but she moved towards my desk debating whether or not it would be rude or workplace appropriate to touch. I observed her jerky body movements, it reminded me of an automatic car left to idle forward at a light when the brake is only halfway released. She just kept getting closer and closer without reaching her hand out. I could build an entire scenario around this but I won't. I am amazed that it really is true though. I could not imagine the horror that someone who wears a more natural style must go through every day.

What Damali said is funny but hauntingly on point. She explained that people don't even ask permission before they touch. They fondle you like a new toy or child needing careful inspection when they are injured. Worse, as if assessing your worth at a slave auction. I waited to hear, "Open your mouth" so the buyer could inspect my teeth also. I know that today will bring more comments, ridiculous questions and perhaps more touches. My boys have explained that they get sick of people constantly touching their hair all the time. How long will others not realize that touching someone in that way is not appropriate? I would say that I didn't ask for anyone to inspect me in this way but I did. The question though becomes, if any African-American wears their hair in any ethnic style though does it automatically give others the right to demean you with their actions.

Incident #1

I must back up and explain the scenario from yesterday. Yesterday I brought in a picture of my husband with Nita's little boy propped up on the handlebars of his motorcycle. He is obviously a white baby, very cute with stunning blue eyes. I walked them around in the office and also showed them to anyone who approached me at my desk. Some people automatically knew who he was which impressed me. This shows that they do at least care about me as a person. The shocking thing that really took me to the true nature of the 'others' was the fact that only three people ask his name. On the surface it would seem that my experiment failed but it did not.

I found it interesting that people didn't even care about who these people were exactly. I was touched by the three people who ask who he was and his name. I offered as little information as possible to people and let them do the talking instead. The most outrageous comment I got was, "Now is this your little boy."

I haven't decided yet what the next experiment will be. The day is not over and I plan to make a couple more rounds around the office so as not to miss anyone for todays quaff theory. Some other interesting notes though, a "brown" man (a Caribbean nation I think, it will make sense in a minute) passed through the hall and another man who knew him validated yet another theory of Ayo's. She says that people feel like because you are African-American or in this case a dark brown skinned Caribbean man that they can speak your language or what they think is your language.

This guy shouts above the roar of other voices in the building, "HEY MAWN" I casually shook my head and thought, oh Damali you are so right.

Oh goodie, I get to rant first

This weeks assignment is to write about an other. Well now I can get into that. Other. How about other than white in Idaho. Oh wait that is already me. I think I will just toss out some stereotypes this week and see how people react to them. If you haven't read January 2005 "Email to Junior High Principal, Vice-Principal, 8th Grade Counselor and Teacher" I highly suggest that you read that archived entry.

The story gets more shady because the teacher in question called my home and read me the riot act later that night when I sent the email to the school. If things could not get more bizarrishly freaky he used the line, "but some of my best friends are black what will they think of me?" I know you are shocked to hear that. I know how shocked you are to hear this.

It is late at night and I am writing this, I so feel like outing his butt (that would be posting his name here). The only thing I am afraid of is getting sued. Anyway that jerk denied he ever made the statement.

It gets better! As the end of the next school year came to a close, that teacher's son wrote the "N" word in my sons yearbook. Hmmm? Not a racist eh?. I would like to write about the 'others' this week. I think I will target all y'all that I know are racists (Yeah we know. At some point the racist ones always show their true colors). Don't give me the sigh and eye roll. This is real. Two years in a row I had the "N" word come back in a junior high yearbook (in 2005 and 2006) so don't even give me that sigh. Been called the 'N' word more times living here than any other time in my life. Truth!

So my goal is to say pose certain questions in a group format around some y'all that I know are racist and see how far you'll go to step on yourselves. The one that I usually smoke them out with is by talking about Mexican people. I think all brown people in Idaho should unite. You spy for me and I will spy for you. Generally speaking though some of my hispanic friends and I converse and trade notes from our 'suspect' list. There is this one person I have in mind and I know she gets her sheet out from time to time. Not literally but figuratively. I can not create a fictitious story and that is difficult for me not to, I don't want expose all of the trade secrets.

I think I will base this weeks research off of the book pictured above. Fabulous book by the way. I will take some of the scenarios from the book and just ask people's opinions. Kind of a poll but different. I have to give Damali Ayo her shout out. Amazing writer, amazing book, amazing and more amazing. Okay enough ranting. I have linked the above title to Damali Ayo's website so click on it if you are interested in her book or her work in general. Brilliant, brilliant concept and writer.

Grief, Eating, and Living Again

Grief

I keep obsessing on Nita's death but I know that it has been less than a month since it happened. I keep trying to balance that with my 'real life' emotional state. There are so many ups and downs in the grieving process. The scariest part of all is that I know how I react to extreme emotional stressers like this period of grief. This time I chose to share that photo that circulated with her obituary. Now do you get it? Beautiful, beautiful girl. I see that face and it haunts me. (Click on the title above to read the newspaper story.) My new mantra is, "Don't beat yourself up, it has been less than a month."

Eating

Okay, this Los Beto's thing is getting out of hand. Again my husband comes home with his carne asada burrito from Los Beto's. I keep thinking about having to cruise over to a coffee shop or something to write tomorrow for an assignment but instead all I can think about is my Los Beto's experience. There is an article hanging up in the restaurant raving about the food and lamenting because the writer feels like since they are open 24 hours, they need a restaurant downtown to be closer to the drunks. Somehow they find their way to the other locations though. I thought about a late night or early morning trip myself to sit there with my laptop and write. It has to be much more interesting than hanging out in a coffee shop. How about a nail shop. I do need to go and get my nails done this weekend.

Think about it, all of these crazy sectioned places we go. One time I was in the nail shop and heard how this girl had just dumped her Marine boyfriend. She just could not handle his war experience.

I'd better focus more on my Los Beto's experience. Oh dang I almost forgot there were these two girls in there maybe eighteen, most likely younger. Okay now, I can understand feeling like you are totally cute and wanting to share that with the world but there are limits. This one girl had on shorts, maybe I should just call them underpants. They were barely shorts. Why? Maybe I am just getting old but it seems like people feel free to wear less and less clothing in pubic places. Freaky girl had on panty-shorts. They provided a little more coverage than panties but you could barely call them shorts. I won't belabor this too much more but she thought she was TOTALLY Miss Thang. I often wish for a Los Angeles breakawy moment at times like these. My family does not allow me to do the 'loud talk thing'. I felt the words begging me to blurt something out but I restrained my tongue. Gross! Check it, panty-shorts make you look like a complete fool.

Okay, this is even freakier. Who sunbathes in the Quad at BSU? It took me like ten steps after I passed her and then I thought, what, wait a minute why is she laying out in the Quad in a bikini? People are weird or I am old. I don't think I am old I just think people are strange. Don't even let me get started on the skin cancer and the premature aging that will come form the sunbathing. Sunbathe now, Botox in 15 years when you are all shriveled up. Thank goodness, good black don't crack. I think of it as a natural savings plan.

I better stay on topic. Eating, Los Beto's burritos and the experience I had. Oh, just save it for next time.


Living Again?

I think I am.

The Finer Things in Life

Okay today was the ultimate of all days ever! I know as soon as I pen this story I will have to live with the live with the consequences of what I write. No problem!

Here's the deal.. Once upon a time we lived in Oceanside, California because Camp Pendleton was our home away from home so to speak. Anyone who has ever been stationed at Camp Pendleton, you can say Carne Asada burrito and instantly it brings memories of Alberto's then it switched to Umberto's at some point. Just to give me some credibility points here Google it, type in Carne Asada Burrito, Oceanside. Anyway, we have driven 200 miles out of our way while vacationing in California just so we could get our Carne Asada fix.

Our town sucks when it comes to Carne Asada Burritos. We have searched for fourteen years to bring that same ultimate pleasure back to our lives. We've tried every 'Authentic Mexican' food joint in town and to no avail we have always come up short. Or shall I say everyone else here in town has come up short. Oh my goodness, today my wonderful husband surprised me with the ultimate pleasure of all pleasures. I know what you are thinking but it involves food people. Anyway, he said he stopped off at this place Los Beto's and said that it came highly recommended and he ordered a couple of Carne Asada Burritos. Of course I was expecting something close to a Bert's sullied with beans and rice and whatever else these freaks think makes a great Carne Asada confection. To my shock and pleasure it was similar in size, same homemade tortillas, great carne asada meat, no beans, no rice, just tomatoes, cilantro, onions, and tons of carne asada meat.

Okay, I know it sounds ridiculous but we have searched and sampled for 14 years to recapture the ultimate taste of all tastes. I wanted to take out an advertisement that said, "Calling all Camp Pendleton Marines, carne asada burritos just like home do exist in Boise!" Shout it from the rooftops. Amazing, amazing and more amazing. It was by far the best thing ever. I told my husband that someone had remarked on the internet that it was better than sex and he of course agreed that the burritos were great but not quite that great. I didn't say it of course someone else did but man the burritos are fabulous and it is as close to the Oceanside sun and beach I've been to in 5 years. Fabulous, more fabulous and just phenomenal. It has only taken 14 years for us to find them but it was worth every year of agony to finally find the ultimate California pleasure.

The way it just melts in your mouth is indescribable. I have to call it a confection. It isn't a confection in the traditional sense but it is a rare treat. I haven't had one in 5 years and it was worth every bite. Try this on for size. My husband loved them so much that that is what he wanted for dinner tonight. We are both like kids in a candy store.

Carne Asada Burrito from Los Beto's is a finer thing in life.

The Pink Flower Trees Are Green

What happened to spring? It is so cold and gloomy. Yesterday I sat outside and watched the rain come down and nearly froze to death also. When I came back in, I pulled up the ole widget and realized it was only 49 degrees outside. That did not include any consideration for the vicious wind that was also blowing. Trust me it was chilly.

It was kind of strange because I've noticed that I love the sun. The sun refreshes me. As much as I try to hide my roots, somehow in my brain I still think that it should only be cloudy in the morning, break by ten and assume a reasonable amount of sunshine by early afternoon. Perhaps I should not complain about the weather so much because it is supposed to be hot again by the weekend. Why do we all do that? We complain when it is too hot, we complain when it is too cold etc. But who determines perfect weather. I believe the perfect weather consensus is somewhere in the mid-70's. I am not sure about that but I do believe that most people would agree that mid-70's is perfect weather as long as the sun is shining and the wind does not blow you over.

What about the landscape intrigues me? Well, I love to take photos of the environment, good and bad. Okay, I do need to stop myself for a minute and explain that I also take pictures of the odd, bums, car accidents (which since Nita's crash I may reconsider that one), and anything else that seems interesting. The great part of 'going digital' is that you don't have to print all of those pictures if you don't want to. I love it because shots that don't turn out as beautiful as you hope you can just delete them and not waste time or money on garbage.

Obviously today I am all over the world and back with my train of thought but it feels nice to not be so restricted to the mundane for this weeks writing assignment. Outdoors can be so inspiring in a way. I miss that I didn't get pictures of tulips this year or the pretty pink flower trees I walked by everyday and vowed to bring my camera so I could catch them before they turned green. I missed my chance, the trees are filled with fresh green leaves now. Perhaps it is a reminder of how we should treat other people. We don't know how long they will be with us. We can't put it off. Maybe the thing you are holding onto, to express to another person only lasts a season. It that is the case then don't let that season change color on you before you do what's in your heart. Tell others how you feel even if it is somewhat painful to do so.

Fond Memory and Healing

Again and again with nonstop thought about Nita. Today we went to Café Ole and all I could think about was Nita. Al and I sat there talking pleasantly to one another and I simply remembered. We were there looking at one another and eating and chatting about what…I really don’t quite remember.

When we walked up to the restaurant doors I remarked to Al that I only think about Nita about 50 times a day. I understand the process of grief but it still doesn’t quite help me understand her death. My faith and my humanness collide endlessly as I try repeatedly to understand that life is going to be okay without her.

That day we picked Al up from the airport sweet Nita was there. My husband is such a wonderful big brother. To Café Ole we went, a family tradition that was birthed by some tradition we started when my mother comes to visit. Al wanted to show his little sisters how ‘we roll.’ I recall the two of them, Nita and Lou Lou sitting across that big booth table with us. They loved the food. Nita said she would have to get her boyfriend to bring her there because the food was so much better than the place where he and his family always went when they are in town.

What did we hope to accomplish by going there again today? I am not sure, for me I can say that it was a way to remember her again perhaps. She was so beautiful and happy, and filled with the same old fiery fun that made her so special. I regret that she was so much younger than the rest and I had not learned to appreciate her so much because she was just the baby. One of the young ones that still made mistakes and bad choices, and all the other things that young people do.

Listen to me, I sound like some old lady but it was difficult to appreciate her because she was so young and distant in some ways. Nita idolized her big brother and loved him because she was proud of the man he’d become. How did she feel about me? I am not really sure but I can say with a clean conscience that I was proud of her and one of the last conversations we had was about how proud I was of her and to keep up the good work and finish with her schooling goals.

Sweet, sweet, girl who touched so many lives. One thing that I will say is that she was sort of like me in one way. She touched people on an individual level. She took on her brothers and sisters one by one and made each of them feel special.

So, what did I accomplish today? I was able to stare death in the face again and tell it that it cannot steal me away down the road of grief and despair forever. I told death today that people live on, and we can walk down some of the same old pathways and remember those we’ve lost without being overcome by the ravages of what death brings. I know that it is not a one-day process and I won’t wake up in the morning not remembering. Today only about ten times did I debate in my head about her being murdered. It sounds so obscure on the page, almost as obscure as it sounds when it is voiced to another.

We will all survive this time and over and over again I keep thinking that I want to write something special about her. What do I write? What will best help my little nephew to remember or acquaint him with who his mother was to each of us? She touched so many people individually that I don’t think I could ever collect all of the stories.

Earlier today, I sat on my porch and wondered what I would write about today. What can one say? I believe in a God. I believe that bad things happen to good people. I told Al today that it was remarkable that Nita had lost so many babies before my nephew, at least three previous miscarriages that I know of. Maybe that was her one HUGE purpose in life was to give life to her son.

My Summer Online Journal

Hey there great folks. Yeah right, nobody has been reading because I have been away. Well, I have a class this summer, ENGL 401 and we are required to do a journal five days a week. I am on day three and I figured instead of just writing in my little private journal that I would go ahead and keep my BLOG updated for at least the summer and then I could just post on here a couple of times a week. Time management you know.

It has been a very tragic last couple of weeks. Nita passing away is still a very raw emotional spot for me. For those of you who don't know what happened, my baby sister (my husband's sister actually) passed away suddenly. She was in a car accident (crash, it was no accident) and was killed. I have been going through various emotions. The hardest part for me is to realize that yes she was murdered by someone. To come to terms with the fact that someone intended to stop the vehicle any way they could which is murder. I cannot begin to grasp how someone could not think that hitting someone else in a vehicle with your vehicle could result in death or serious injury. Mike Martin killed two people as a result of this careless act.

To make matters worse, what I did not realize until it was mentioned to me that all of people involved had children and now there are two generations that are effective by one persons actions. Collectively we are talking about five children I think who for one reason or another will not have a parent in their life because of one persons actions.

I've been thinking about how I could properly memorialize her and what I could do. I am thinking of writing a little chap book or something where I interview some people and write a section about Nita based on each person's views. I need to do this while memories are still fresh but not while wounds are too deep. I want to do something for my little nephew that will never see the beauty others saw in his mama. It pains me greatly to know that that poor precious child will not be able to enjoy having his mother in his life.

I want him to be fifteen or sixteen and be able to say this was my mom, this is what she enjoyed, this is what she was like, all because we (his family) and me are willing to take the time to chronicle a legacy for him. That my friends is my next writing project.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS

Did you miss me? Okay, I just needed the right 'incident' to get me started. What is up with the 'immediate ceasefire'? I love American politics. On the one hand we have a huge group of people in our country crying outrage because of what is going on in Iraq. The general consensus is that the US has no business going into another country and dictating our own values, agendas, etc. How is this so different with what is going on between Israel and Lebanon?

Maybe I am the one not getting it. This is my take on the 'immediate ceasefire' calls from everyone. I think in general people are fools. There is no winning on the battleground of American politics. On the one hand you have a majority of people who feel like we should not intervene with the any conflict unless say it's another Pearl Harbor (in essence a direct attack on Americans). These same people are calling for us to now intervene in this other conflict that essentially has nothing to do with us at all. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. This is the problem when you try to blanket policies. If your opinion is that we have no business interfering with other nations and what they do, then this is not our fight. People finally get the President to essentially do what they want and now it's the wrong thing to do.

I am appalled by the idea that no one is bringing this particular argument to the forefront. I feel like it is relevant and should be talked about. We as a people are the most wishy-washy people on the planet. I am a fairly black and white person. I feel like we go all the way in one direction or all the way in another. Now think this through, what people are proposing is for us to call for an immediate ceasefire and then provide troops for an international peacekeeping force. Why? So we can get bogged down in yet another conflict for how long? What would be the overall mission? What would happen if our troops went in and there was no clear cut plan on disengaging? Are you starting to see where I am going with this? I hope you do.

Thus, my statement for the day is... You can't have it both ways.

Your proposal is that we send our troops to an open ended conflict with no particular goals or disengagement strategy. On top of that, you relinquish control of those troops to some other entity (The UN or whomever else). And of course the topper; who is going to pay for all of this? Is the bill for Iraq not big enough for you? Stop asking for something that you've been asking for in Iraq and if that isn't enough you want to repeat the SAME action again because we don't agree with one side or the other. I don't like what is going on anywhere in the world. I think it is all a bunch of BS. What can you do? My only offer of solution is not to repeat the past. The Israel/Lebanon conflict will turn into another Iraq if we intervene. There is no way I could support something like Iraq again. I am not willing to let my family be put through this again. As differences of opinions collide I want to speak out as a voice for some of the families that are going through Iraq and Afghanistan. We don't want our loved ones in harms way for all of the !@#$%^&*( that have been critical about the battlefronts we are fighting right now.

So talk about sending troops as part of an 'international peacekeeping force' all you want. What if all of us just say, no more we won't protect you when you feel it is convenient and you should just stuff it. Be happy with the fact that the President has finally decided to take your advice and not get involved with another quagmire with no end in sight. If you don't like it, volunteer to do more to assist people in need in other places. Look at the slaughter and disease that has gone unchecked by the US and everyone else in Africa. Oh...you don't want to talk about that now do you?

How Could It Get Any Better?

What an up and down week. First of all Happy July! Another month has come and gone. Are you surprised that I have become so consistent? Yeah, me too. I've been fairly busy lately without being productive. Kinda-Sorta. I have been working on things for school but my house is still a mess so I consider that non-productive. It's been kind of touch and go this last week. I had a new nephew that was born last week but he wasn't doing all that hot at first. Now I am happy to report, he is doing great and it looks like he may finally get out of the hospital and go home soon. I am so happy about that. It's tough to see newborns with health issues. It is one of the most humbling things imaginable.

I am amazed by this little youngsters parents. They have been doing an outstanding job considering. I am floored at the courage and commitment they have to their child. It is very refreshing to see parents whose sole purpose is being patient loving people even in times of crisis. That's good stuff you know. How could it get any better than that?

Frank

One of my other sisters called me last night and told me some potentially devastating news. Devastating you say? Yes, very much so. The news concerns our other sisters boyfriend. He's very sick, to the point where they do not expect him to live much longer. She calls and ask that I pray for him. How? What do I want? What does he want? Can I do anything? Can I make a difference? If so, what kind of a difference can I make?

These are the questions that I asked myself. To compound matters, our other sister has had some hard times and has checked herself into a facility to get some help. She doesn't know that her boyfriend is gravely ill. Does someone tell her and risk her coming out of the facility and spiraling down that path again? It's way too complicated for one person to fathom. I can't solve this with anything I say to anyone, I can't make people change, nor can I force my beliefs on anyone. I wish that I could though. What would I tell them?

I would tell them that there is a better way. Jesus offers that better way. It's not a joke or the opiate of the masses. We hear that and people call Christians freaks because they don't understand the realness of being close to Jesus. I can't explain it. The only thing I can ever suggest is to try it. Why all this? I'm scared, I don't know if Frank has ever accepted Jesus into his life. What if he hasn't? What if, what if, what if? Is it too late? From what I understand, Frank is delusional and out of his right mind right now. What do I pray for? What can I do all these miles away?

I'm torn, they gave him a pretty raw dianosis. When someone says that three quarters of your heart is not functioning and the persons body begins to fill up with fluid there doesn't seem to be much hope. I want him to be completely healed. I want Frank to live. But, is that what concerns me the most? No! What concerns me the most is his spiritual health. Call me freak then, I don't care anymore. What if this man dies and there is something else that I could have done to 'preach' to him and I didn't. I recall him sitting in my house about a year and a half ago and I preached at him a little and told him that it is through the power of God that changes lives. I didn't just put it all out there on the line though and ask him if he had ever accepted Christ. Do you think I did the wrong thing by not just asking him? It's these tragedies that always put me back to this place of wondering if I've done enough.

I am not ashamed of Christ but I am so not eloquent when it comes to face to face talks with people about the saving, healing, loving, forgiving, and on and on and on power of the Lord. I can write it like a big dog though. It's real, I know this and nothing can ever change my opinion regarding that. I've experienced it and also I watch and wonder after all of my many, many screw ups why the Lord continues to put up with me. I know that there is hope for anyone.

This is not about me though, this is about Frank. This is about what to pray and what to say. I told my sister when she called to pray for peace. Peace for Frank's mind and his family and friends. Peace for his very soul to let the spirit do what needs to be done. I'd hate to be in that place and not know for sure that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me. I'd hate to not have the comforting joy that no matter what, my family would understand and know for sure that even if I passed I would be going to a better place.

So, I pray for Frank today. I pray for his peace and healing in his body but most of all I pray that if he's never been given a chance or even if he has that he gets the clear message of the gospel. Frank's had some issues but what has he done that is so terrible in comparison to the rest of us? Though we do not want to hear it, sin is sin. The point is that no one is perfect or better than anyone else. We are all the same which puts us all in the same boat and it gives us all the same opportunities. An equal opportunity God!

Pray for Frank and his family, pray for my sister's wellbeing.

God Bless. If you haven't experienced the love of Christ I suggest you ask and seek Jesus. He changes lives.

Just when you think things are going good

From time to time, just when you think things are going good there is a little roadblock. It's days like this that we hate at the time. Always remember it is those roadblocks though that stand out in our mind. They create memories of their own. Memories of...I was tootling along and then IT happened!


I know, blah, blah, blah, what's the point. Well, I had a roadblock this week. Now though, it's Friday and life is sweet again, like chocolate covered strawberries. I can face the weekend feeling like something actually happened in my life and it sure wasn't the same ole' boring week that is for sure. Roadblock vs. opportunity not to have the same ole boring week? You decide.

My little sister got married

They did it! They tied the knot or any other thing you want to call it. What do I call it? I call it a fabulous event. I am so happy that my little sister finally got married. She didn't just marry any ole' guy either. She actually married a really nice guy with an equally loving family. It's hard when you release someone you love into the care of someone else. There is a certain amount of uneasiness that comes. Fortunately, she made an outstanding choice and in my opinion, so did he.

I could go on and on with numerous accolades about my little sister. She is a wonderful person who has a strong family base. What I mean by that is that she cares about everyone and from watching her over the years one thing that I've learned is that she will make the hard choices and the sacrifices for her family. My only hope is that she will continue to do the same with her new husband. Just support whatever he's doing and things will always work out. It is her genuine kindness and honesty as a person that draws family and friends to her.

The only thing I really want to say is that it was a beautiful wedding and I am thankful that I was invited to their nuptials. It was good stuff. Of course I have to say, that when they move out of state that I do pray that they find a local church to attend. That's just me! I want them to not only be grounded in each other but also grounded to a local church that feeds them spiritually also. It's important for people to be connected--to meet new people. DO NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN RELIGION! Religion is rigorous and cumbersome and personally, I don't think things were meant to be that way. But! get connected somewhere and enjoy life.

I love you baby girl. With all my heart I love you and I as I come to know your husband I am sure I will love him too. You made an excellent choice. Always speak your mind but also know when to be silent, things just have a way of working themselves out sometimes. I entrust you, make that we, me and your brother, entrust you with confidence into the hands of someone else. I never thought that day would come but it has. Remember always, we love you very, very much and so do the boys. Gosh, I forgot to mention something about the boys. Dude! You have totally watched them grow up. Don't forget about them in your future travels. They love you very much and have said excellent things about you. You inspired them. I will quote from what the baby said, "She didn't date a whole bunch of people, she waited for the right one to come along and she got married to him." Good stuff my friend.

Let's see, I think that's it. I preached a little because I care about you, if not, I wouldn't put myself out on the line. Look at me, I am so not perfect. I still struggle in so many ways but we are all imperfect people who live in an imperfect world. The best we can do is the best we can do.

Always do the best you can for yourself, I could not ask for more. You both are wonderful people and you know we are always here for you, whatever you need. Okay this is my very last thing. Try to make-up with your friend before you leave. I was in a similar situation when I married your brother. Eventually, I made-up with my friend but it took 10 years. Learn from one of my many mistakes. True friendship is forever no matter what.

Look who's back

Today marks the beginning of something good I hope. I helped someone set up a new BLOG this weekend and realized what a fool I've been for not maintaining my own site. Silly me. I've had a ton to say but have chosen to keep it all in.

No more! There is one particular person who will stay unnamed that I have a very serious issue with. This person is a total and complete racist jerk. It challenges my Americanized brain to see how people who are racist operate. An incident or two concerning my kids took place and I had to do the 'smoke this sucker out' thing. He rang true to his true colors. For those of you who are non-ethnic, unfortunately I can't give away trade secrets so you'll have to ask someone else how to expose the racist.

I was shocked when the exposure took place but generally, we already have a clue but I think we use it as the final evidence to convict. It would be much easier, I think if a racist person just came out and said they were racist. If people would just have enough nerve to come out and admit it it would be so less time consuming.

Anyway, it is unfortunate that these types of people are elevated in Idaho to positions of authority without being kept in-check. This frightens me. It is amazing how this happens right under our very noses. Look at all of the fallout over comments made by our new State Leader. He created a storm of trouble this last week. He got blasted in the newspaper in New Orleans and they accused him of being racist based on comments he made to a European newspaper.

Initially my reaction was to defend Jim Risch but then when I started thinking about it I had to come to the realization that yeah, there are a ton of racist, narrowminded bigots in my state. Some hidden, some right out there on front street. What do we do? At least the ones that are right out on front street are visible and it does not require the 'smoke them out' dance to expose them. Instead at least I know what I am working with. It is the hidden racists that I am most threatened by. The ones that have no interest in you as a person except to dominate you secretly. It sounds outlandish and 'overly sensitive' on my part but it's not. It is the full on truth.

My latest dealings with this last person was odd. This butthead won in some ways in the end. But, he does not understand that it is not up to me to have the last laugh. As hard as it is to do, I must turn his backwards butt over to the Lord. I must let Him, who can do so much more than I, take care of this battle. I started thinking about slavery. Why as a culture did we endure for hundreds of years? I think it was our faith in the Lord. He gave us as a people the strength to endure the hardships we faced. In the end many lives were lost. Why? Those lives were lost so I could have the freedom today to continue to confront the racism that exists in my world. I can freely express and expose the oppression faced by minorities in Idaho.

And for that, I am thankful for a people who persevered until the end and gave up their lives for me to freely expose those who still try to oppress us in large and small ways.

Pray for your enemies and those who despitefully use you.


Dawn

Remember Me?

Wow it's been forever since I have been on my own BLOG to check things out. I will have to send out an email to everyone telling them that things are good again. I hope everyone is doing well. My life is slightly out of control but guess what? School is almost out for the semester. How cool is that?

Take care and I will try to post more often.