Me & Holidays

I've noticed of late that me and "The Holiday" celebrations don't get along quite the way we used to. 2007 wasn't the best of years for me. I wonder if I could go on strike. That doesn't exactly work when you have others to think about. I was happy to see 2007 finally go away. I welcomed 2008 with my eyes closed and dreaming about a future more promising than the past. School sucked for 2007 and so did many other things.

I thought I was ready to navigate my way through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wasn't exactly. I had no willingness to put up the tree or do any of those other more traditional things. There were so many things that I did not express to others about how I felt. I darn near completely unravelled there for awhile. We do that with loss, we suppress enough to get by and when that doesn't work anymore the unravelling still begins to take place. What does the future hold? My future holds potentially more loss because we are not getting any younger. It's strange how that works, we come to a realization at a point in our lives where we switch over from not knowing loss to knowing loss so deeply that it consumes if you let it. I can see how people experience great loss and never recover.

I am thankful that I am in recovery. I am thankful that I am not hopeless. I look at what others have done to themselves as a result of the tragedy and shake my head because I know what they are feeling but cannot help them. I think the boundaries between hope and hopelessness is as delicate as the wind. One new airflow or change in the wind and any one of us could be hopeless. I think it is the hopelessness that disturbs me the most.

There is one person in particular and I know they are in the beginning stages of reevaluating everything about their lives. Maybe two people that are doing the same. I hope they are. I hope that they are starting to come to terms with their past. It is important to evaluate what is happening in order to get clarity. I know some people never look back at who they really are. They are the mirror avoiders. I know my shortcomings and though I am not proud of my failings at least I am honest enough to know that I am flawed and that I can't weave my way through life on my own. It takes more than what you find in yourself to make it. This is what gives me hope, knowing that I don't have to walk alone through my life.

It's that walk, that's why we celebrate Christmas right? Not for how much cash or credit we can rack up on gifts. We celebrate because of the gift Christ gave correct? I hope you didn't forget the reason for the season. Look forward to something. Don't go hopeless another day.

Eyes Up.