Things are blah for me it seems. If you noticed, I allowed Nita's movie to kind of pass down further on the page. I kept it as the first item you'd see on my blog for about 3 weeks. I've been under some pressure by Al's family to get some reprints made of her program. I haven't done it yet. I need to get on that. It's been hard to readjust to being back in school, working, keeping up with the family and so on.
I am just kind of making it right now. How is it that in our society we don't hold any value in 'just making it' as a productive state? Do you like how I called it a productive state? It is a productive state though because I am not moving backwards. I've got homework bleeding through my skin practically, plus work, plus kids, plus little things that come up. One of my sisters called yesterday and she has to go to a meeting tonight. She has like four frickin' kids. They vary in ages but she kind of wants me to keep an eye on her kids while she's at the meeting. No big deal but of course I start thinking about how much homework I could get done in the three or four hours of time that it will take to watch two or more of her kids. She ask me if I could watch her older girls which is totally no big deal, they are not that difficult to keep an eye on. But! She's got two babies, one is just a few months old and the other is two. She said she talked to somebody who is conducting this meeting and they said she could bring the little ones.
It slipped out but I did say, "Oh, you better leave the little screamer with me." The screamer is her youngest boy by the way. He's not as much of a screamer as he used to be but he can be quite a handful. There is no way in good conscience I can let her go to a professional meeting with him in toe. If she wants to take him, fine, whatever but it would go very, very bad, guaranteed. So, I think I will have three little kids on my hands tonight.
In some ways, I am 'just making it' but in other ways I see myself experiencing personal growth. Maybe I just have the wrong perspective. I want to move faster and do better and all of those adult things that society tells us we should be doing. Who am I to conform right?
Yes, I am moving on from Nita's death. I am sometimes 'just making it' but I've watched as some of the family is still floundering. I can't let myself just flounder going around in circles. It's hard because I have to always be cognizant of the fact that the rest of the family is so much younger and has never had to go through this death mode. Some people just act a fool when someone dies. Others do seem to step up and realize that others do continue to live.
I guess if I have to write something somewhat profound today I would say that 'just making it' is not a bad place to be. At least you can find comfort in the fact that you aren't moving backwards, and that my friend, is progression.
Top of the mornin' to ya.
September 28, 2007
September 24, 2007
It just does, accept it!
Often times when I come to this space, eventually something that I write comes down to race or more specifically, blackness in the white experience. I was walking in for work and started to contemplate why. Things bother me. The other day, I was in class and a person said in essence, "I don't mean to put you on the spot because you are the only black person in class but let me put you on the spot anyway." Why is this that people know that what they are doing can make me (us) feel isolated but they do it anyway? I realize that it is a learning process for others and I am cool with that but only to a certain extent.
Walk a mile in my shoes one day. I noticed over the weekend that with everything going on in Louisiana that relationships between blacks and whites was questioned on CNN. I just looked to see if I could find the same statistics that they quoted yesterday on CNN and they were nowhere to be found. The way that people feel about each group is startling. Way more blacks feel racism is a problem than whites. I want this information known because it is important to understand that in the black community we say that there are still problems but if we do not address these problems as Americans we can't possibly expect to usher in more change. As long as the group that has historically said, "Hey look there is a problem." is still saying there is a problem then the chances are, there is still a problem.
From my own experience, I have been a victim of more racism living in Idaho more than any other experience in my life. I let many things go. I get so sick of the 'oh here she goes again' eye-roll that I get from people. When and how do we have to present it to others so that they can understand it more fully. How many times do I or one of my kids have to endure "Nigger" being shouted at us from passing cars before someone truly understands that one incident is one too many? I didn't ask for that. Catch a clue people. If I hear one more person say something terrible about 'Mexican People' I am going to blow a gasket. People see my face and lovely brown skin and figure they are in good enough company to say horrible things about hispanics in my presence. Most of the time I am way too shocked to respond the way I'd like to.
So yeah, I am going to keep talking about race and how I do or don't fit in because my skin is so brown. You can ask anyone that has known me for a considerable period of time and you'd find that I was never an outspoken person when it comes to race. I never really voiced much at all because where I grew up, primarily the problem was not as deep rooted as it is here in Idaho. I will not let the discussion die. I just can't let the discussion fall by the wayside as something we don't talk about. I look forward to the next time somebody says or does something that is slightly inappropriate. I challenge everyone, black, white or otherwise to speak up in defense of people who just want to live a life free of the hang-ups of race. As a country we have so many other things to combat like bringing troops home, poverty, lack of access to health care etc.
Think about it folks. Click on the link in the title.
Walk a mile in my shoes one day. I noticed over the weekend that with everything going on in Louisiana that relationships between blacks and whites was questioned on CNN. I just looked to see if I could find the same statistics that they quoted yesterday on CNN and they were nowhere to be found. The way that people feel about each group is startling. Way more blacks feel racism is a problem than whites. I want this information known because it is important to understand that in the black community we say that there are still problems but if we do not address these problems as Americans we can't possibly expect to usher in more change. As long as the group that has historically said, "Hey look there is a problem." is still saying there is a problem then the chances are, there is still a problem.
From my own experience, I have been a victim of more racism living in Idaho more than any other experience in my life. I let many things go. I get so sick of the 'oh here she goes again' eye-roll that I get from people. When and how do we have to present it to others so that they can understand it more fully. How many times do I or one of my kids have to endure "Nigger" being shouted at us from passing cars before someone truly understands that one incident is one too many? I didn't ask for that. Catch a clue people. If I hear one more person say something terrible about 'Mexican People' I am going to blow a gasket. People see my face and lovely brown skin and figure they are in good enough company to say horrible things about hispanics in my presence. Most of the time I am way too shocked to respond the way I'd like to.
So yeah, I am going to keep talking about race and how I do or don't fit in because my skin is so brown. You can ask anyone that has known me for a considerable period of time and you'd find that I was never an outspoken person when it comes to race. I never really voiced much at all because where I grew up, primarily the problem was not as deep rooted as it is here in Idaho. I will not let the discussion die. I just can't let the discussion fall by the wayside as something we don't talk about. I look forward to the next time somebody says or does something that is slightly inappropriate. I challenge everyone, black, white or otherwise to speak up in defense of people who just want to live a life free of the hang-ups of race. As a country we have so many other things to combat like bringing troops home, poverty, lack of access to health care etc.
Think about it folks. Click on the link in the title.
September 14, 2007
I should be reading...
I should be reading right now. I had the most traumatic week that I've had in a long time. I thought about it and why this death seems to have been harder on me than Pops. It hasn't really been any harder on me. I figured it out though that it is the performance element that makes it different. With Pops, I had no demands that forced me to write; no papers due etc. As most of you know, Pops being gone is still very rough. I have periods of depression that I go through. I don't think it will ever get better now. Pops died the day before Mother's Day and we had Nita's memorial service the same calendar date Pops died, and to make matters worse, it was again the day before Mother's Day. Every Mother's Day, how can any of us not think about Jonavan? Al's family will figure it out. I hate Mother's Day. No presents or things my family does has made it better yet. Thank goodness this past Mother's Day though nobody could muster the things needed to make any attempts to cheer me up. I don't even remember Mother's Day at all.
I've been on a writer's high so to speak for about four days now. I have a poem on my poetry blog that I keep tweaking ever so slightly and I think it is growing into something. Got a little good music going. Oh check this out, a guy in my class wrote something on his Blog about not being able to listen to Morrissey and write good poetry. Of course I had to listen to some Smiths today. How dare he. I am impressed that he knows who Morrissey is though. I always dreamed that I would be in my car and some guy would be listening to the Smiths and that guy would be the perfect guy for me. It never happened, I ended up with Mr. Classic Rock instead. I finally met someone in Idaho who even knew who they were and it turned out to be my boss. That doesn't seem funny with me writing it but anyone who knows my boss will find it very funny. I never got my Smiths listening prince that swept me off my feet but it's great when you and your boss like the some of the same music.
Just in continuing with what my classmate said, maybe he said that because a person would be spending too much time 'jamming out' instead of writing. I don't think he meant it that way but it's worth a try. I guess it would depend on what kind of mood you were in. If you want to write about bad love you could listen to Strangeways, Here We Come (which I am listening to right now). That's good for writing about relationships gone wrong. I am just rambling, it is good though to write and not feel restrained. I took some things my Poetry teacher told me to heart. I went over to the library and got some Maya Angelou. I got audio so I could work and listen at the same time. It was interesting because my instructor told me that I needed to dig deeper. I didn't get that at first but I finally got it when I worked and just listened to the poems being read. It's one thing to read them to yourself but when the content is heavy you must wrestle the thing down to the ground, choke out the last bit of life it may have left and display its head like a conquerer. Explanation? I was wrestling things to the ground but when it came to really going in for the kill I haven't gotten there yet. Once I get past that point...I need to display his head outside the city gates. That my friend is what listening to Maya Angelou did for me today.
I took it for granted how much I learned from the old folks. They taught me so much about what it really means to be black. Being black and raised in the West poses its own set of unique problems. As Westerners we seem to be loosing our connection with the older culture more and more. It is vital that we pass down our rich histories to the younger ones. They mustn't forget the struggles and hardships people have gone through so me and my husband can walk down a street hand in hand without hanging from a tree by the midnight hour. I'm fascinated by my personal family history which I've all but given up on because of how much time school takes. I am going to have to really put the pressure on my Mother and Auntie to tell the old stories as best as they can remember them. The people that hold these fantastic stories are leaving us. As Westerners we need to back up and reconnect with these important oral histories.
I'll say one last thing about how important they are. Not everyone knows that my maternal grandmother left an audio cassette recording where she only went through the family history for about ten minutes. Those ten minutes were the most precious minutes of my life because they allowed me to track so much information about my family. The short tape was pivotal in my research. Enough said, but I remind my kids as much as I can that their great-grandpa was in WWII but he was only allowed to serve in one of the jobs that the Navy let us serve and upon his return, I never will forget he told me that he was walking across the bridge going home and he had his uniform on and he was spat on.
I don't tell my children these stories to say oh look how bad we've been treated. I tell my children that they have a rich heritage and they should never take it for granted that people lost their lives to secure their free future, as black men in America. When we as a people are spending our time gang banging and the rest it sickens me to a degree because I know that it took over 100 years for us to be truly free and in the span of 30 plus years so many have forgotten the sacrifices made on our behalf. So yes the words of Maya Angelou touched me in a way that they may not touch young Western girls and boys unless they have been raised with a deeper understanding of who we really are as a people. That of course cannot be achieved unless we are also able to put a name and a face on our personal histories. When we know our connections it helps us to feel like we do belong to something much bigger than we imagined.
God Bless
I've been on a writer's high so to speak for about four days now. I have a poem on my poetry blog that I keep tweaking ever so slightly and I think it is growing into something. Got a little good music going. Oh check this out, a guy in my class wrote something on his Blog about not being able to listen to Morrissey and write good poetry. Of course I had to listen to some Smiths today. How dare he. I am impressed that he knows who Morrissey is though. I always dreamed that I would be in my car and some guy would be listening to the Smiths and that guy would be the perfect guy for me. It never happened, I ended up with Mr. Classic Rock instead. I finally met someone in Idaho who even knew who they were and it turned out to be my boss. That doesn't seem funny with me writing it but anyone who knows my boss will find it very funny. I never got my Smiths listening prince that swept me off my feet but it's great when you and your boss like the some of the same music.
Just in continuing with what my classmate said, maybe he said that because a person would be spending too much time 'jamming out' instead of writing. I don't think he meant it that way but it's worth a try. I guess it would depend on what kind of mood you were in. If you want to write about bad love you could listen to Strangeways, Here We Come (which I am listening to right now). That's good for writing about relationships gone wrong. I am just rambling, it is good though to write and not feel restrained. I took some things my Poetry teacher told me to heart. I went over to the library and got some Maya Angelou. I got audio so I could work and listen at the same time. It was interesting because my instructor told me that I needed to dig deeper. I didn't get that at first but I finally got it when I worked and just listened to the poems being read. It's one thing to read them to yourself but when the content is heavy you must wrestle the thing down to the ground, choke out the last bit of life it may have left and display its head like a conquerer. Explanation? I was wrestling things to the ground but when it came to really going in for the kill I haven't gotten there yet. Once I get past that point...I need to display his head outside the city gates. That my friend is what listening to Maya Angelou did for me today.
I took it for granted how much I learned from the old folks. They taught me so much about what it really means to be black. Being black and raised in the West poses its own set of unique problems. As Westerners we seem to be loosing our connection with the older culture more and more. It is vital that we pass down our rich histories to the younger ones. They mustn't forget the struggles and hardships people have gone through so me and my husband can walk down a street hand in hand without hanging from a tree by the midnight hour. I'm fascinated by my personal family history which I've all but given up on because of how much time school takes. I am going to have to really put the pressure on my Mother and Auntie to tell the old stories as best as they can remember them. The people that hold these fantastic stories are leaving us. As Westerners we need to back up and reconnect with these important oral histories.
I'll say one last thing about how important they are. Not everyone knows that my maternal grandmother left an audio cassette recording where she only went through the family history for about ten minutes. Those ten minutes were the most precious minutes of my life because they allowed me to track so much information about my family. The short tape was pivotal in my research. Enough said, but I remind my kids as much as I can that their great-grandpa was in WWII but he was only allowed to serve in one of the jobs that the Navy let us serve and upon his return, I never will forget he told me that he was walking across the bridge going home and he had his uniform on and he was spat on.
I don't tell my children these stories to say oh look how bad we've been treated. I tell my children that they have a rich heritage and they should never take it for granted that people lost their lives to secure their free future, as black men in America. When we as a people are spending our time gang banging and the rest it sickens me to a degree because I know that it took over 100 years for us to be truly free and in the span of 30 plus years so many have forgotten the sacrifices made on our behalf. So yes the words of Maya Angelou touched me in a way that they may not touch young Western girls and boys unless they have been raised with a deeper understanding of who we really are as a people. That of course cannot be achieved unless we are also able to put a name and a face on our personal histories. When we know our connections it helps us to feel like we do belong to something much bigger than we imagined.
God Bless
September 13, 2007
Mac users, update Safari
Are you a Blogger and a Mac user (God Bless if you are)? I updated my Safari at work so I could benefit from the updated 'Find' feature but noticed something else in the process, I noticed that whenever I was logged in to do a post that I had more options at work than I did at home (this was one of the primary reasons I didn't post much from home anymore). Anyway, if you haven't updated to the new Safari you will find that you are Blog challenged; you won't be able to load videos, etc.
I've included the link if you click the title above. Enjoy the new options available. Now I can be bold or in italics. I can even do the block quote thing.
Update!
I've included the link if you click the title above. Enjoy the new options available. Now I can be bold or in italics. I can even do the block quote thing.
"Linguistics can be defined as the principled study of language as a system. Linguistics employ specific methodologies and theoretical frameworks for investigating the system of language. As a social science, linguistics incorporates both scientific approaches to language as a system and a focus on language." (Berg 11)
Update!
September 11, 2007
My home
Ah, I feel so warm and cuddly. This is where I generally lay down a hefty rant. My rant of sorts today is the happy poetry space created for joy, joy moments. I can't take it anymore! Listen to me, it's the second week of school and already I am melt down mama. Already, I know that tomorrow I am going to have to figure out how to disconnect my spaces. Silly me, that is what I get for popping up a blog so quickly. I really should have thought that one through more.
It's all phooey if you ask me. How can a person possibly be asked to talk about questions you may have and issues about your poetry without talking about things you've workshopped in class? It is impossible and I revolt. I don't revolt as in not do the assignment revolt but I revolt here. I listened while my poem was talked about and everyone individually hit on points that were so the intention of the poem. My bad for working out my own issues. I was so proud of that poem it represented every pent up non-poetic moment of my entire summer. People need ties it seems though, they need neat connect the dots that lead them from point A to point B.
I'll add the lines to make people happy and comfortable but it taints everything. I love this one, giving that connection between how when a person dies you immediately go back to a particular moment with that person. Yeah, try being that six year old little girl that busted her chin on the monkey-bars. That WAS the moment. I can't help it if by circumstance that that is how I will always remember Nita. Mother and I lamented with the same memory of Nita. I am just disgruntled that I have to come out and say, she was sixteen years younger than me and though we were ONLY related by marriage, I watched that little girl grow up. So I did all the right things in the poem but just didn't spell it out quite so clearly by saying something like...
sister-in-law, sixteen years my junior
Now the whole Lily thing, problematic I know but in some betwixt way one of my fellow students got it. How do you change knowing that someone got it but then consider scrapping it because they think they don't get it. He TOTALLY nailed it. How do you keep that straight face knowing that people have gotten it but in that same assessment they are saying that they don't get it.
I just had been so closed off because of the Nita thing and I finally breached that barrier only not to be able to talk about it. I would have been more comfortable if everyone would have said they didn't get it. This one kills, the beginning sounds like a newspaper or the TV news. Yeah and we saw the crumpled car on the news, channel 2, 6, 7 and 12. We listened to her name when they said two died in wreck.
This leaves me in the unknown zone. I've pretty much already resolved that I am going to leave the Nita poem alone because it is much too painful to revisit knowing that people got it but not being able to say a darn thing on the 'fake poetry place' created as the unused living room where guests come to sit but the family never uses. I hate my poetry place.
It's all phooey if you ask me. How can a person possibly be asked to talk about questions you may have and issues about your poetry without talking about things you've workshopped in class? It is impossible and I revolt. I don't revolt as in not do the assignment revolt but I revolt here. I listened while my poem was talked about and everyone individually hit on points that were so the intention of the poem. My bad for working out my own issues. I was so proud of that poem it represented every pent up non-poetic moment of my entire summer. People need ties it seems though, they need neat connect the dots that lead them from point A to point B.
I'll add the lines to make people happy and comfortable but it taints everything. I love this one, giving that connection between how when a person dies you immediately go back to a particular moment with that person. Yeah, try being that six year old little girl that busted her chin on the monkey-bars. That WAS the moment. I can't help it if by circumstance that that is how I will always remember Nita. Mother and I lamented with the same memory of Nita. I am just disgruntled that I have to come out and say, she was sixteen years younger than me and though we were ONLY related by marriage, I watched that little girl grow up. So I did all the right things in the poem but just didn't spell it out quite so clearly by saying something like...
sister-in-law, sixteen years my junior
Now the whole Lily thing, problematic I know but in some betwixt way one of my fellow students got it. How do you change knowing that someone got it but then consider scrapping it because they think they don't get it. He TOTALLY nailed it. How do you keep that straight face knowing that people have gotten it but in that same assessment they are saying that they don't get it.
I just had been so closed off because of the Nita thing and I finally breached that barrier only not to be able to talk about it. I would have been more comfortable if everyone would have said they didn't get it. This one kills, the beginning sounds like a newspaper or the TV news. Yeah and we saw the crumpled car on the news, channel 2, 6, 7 and 12. We listened to her name when they said two died in wreck.
This leaves me in the unknown zone. I've pretty much already resolved that I am going to leave the Nita poem alone because it is much too painful to revisit knowing that people got it but not being able to say a darn thing on the 'fake poetry place' created as the unused living room where guests come to sit but the family never uses. I hate my poetry place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
