I Want My MTV

I could talk about so many different things but I have teenagers and I decided to see what new videos and messages MTV was giving kids these days. Boy oh boy there are no videos going on there anymore. MTV has caved and crumbled into a heap of garbage TV. If you choose to tune in you'll now find music videos have been replaced with a constant stream of reality television. Cribs, Wild n Out, Rob and Big, Real World Road Rules Challenge, Real World Las Vegas Reunited, Scarred, Pimp my Ride, Runs House and other shows as well. It is all now meaningless TV designed to tantalize and capitalize on sexual exploits, vulgar language and over the top non-reality passing as someone's real reality; as if there is such a thing left in this world.

I watched and watched for hours waiting for the Music Video Television to play some music videos. Instead, I saw X-ibit and his customization crew put various over-the-top gadgets in cars. Video monitors, new sound systems, new paint, expensive rims and tires, the transformation was real but how real is it for the kids watching these shows? Who can afford to do these amazing things to their own cars? X-ibit touted something called, "Hater Vision" which is video monitors in the headrests of cars or trucks where nobody in the interior of the cars can see the video monitors only anyone riding behind the car or truck.

The latest show, X-effect is even worse. X-effect is a show that takes two couples that are currently dating and pulls the ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend from the new couples and gives them a weekend together to see if there are any sparks between the old couple. The cruelty continues by having the new people in their lives watch and listen to what goes on. At the end of the weekend, the "old couple" has to choose if they want to stay with the person they are currently with or go back to the ex. I watched a couple of these shows and was flabbergasted. There was this one girl who was beautiful, absolutely beautiful, she was the black girl I always dreamed I could be, great hair, perfect smile, and just a beautiful woman. She ended up fooling around with the ex-boyfriend. At the end of the show, she chose to dump her current boyfriend in favor of her ex-boyfriend. Her current boyfriend who was huba huba, was furious with her and even more furious when she told him she wanted to be with the other man.

In the end, the ex-boyfriend wanted to stay with his current girlfriend and this beautiful woman was left with nothing. This scenario played out again the exact same way with another couple. I just thought of all the possibilities and how cruel the show was in general. What kind of message are we sending to young people? "Hit it and quit it" is fine for a man and as a woman we should accept the cheater back. I've got news for you young ladies, it takes a mature and secure man to take you back once you have cheated on him. Though we hope not to see ourselves as commodities in a man's eyes there is still a certain amount of possessiveness that many men still hold within themselves. We still hear it in their language, "find the right girl and settle down." As much as we do not want to admit it, those words still imply a certain amount of possession. I sound archaic I know but it is the truth. If you don't believe me, watch the show and see what happens.

As American young people once upon a time we'd watch crazy videos. Two that come to mind are Duran Duran's Hungry Like a Wolf and The Love Shack by the B-52's. Crazy, funny, happy times. I could even stand to watch a hair band. I want my MTV back. I don't want guys and girls sitting in a big air conditioned RV waiting to go on the 'Next' speed date with a good looking guy or girl. When a music video does actually come on from time to time just once could I get someone to hold the writhing and bleeped out language? The Moon Man has gone, your old MTV that served up generous helpings of hair bands, pop, new wave and R&B now gives way to an overdose of nonrealistic unreality to show kids that the outrageous is the norm.

Nice Guy and Total Jerk

We have a family friend who is seen as just an all around nice guy to some but a complete jerk to others. I tend to lean more on the all around nice guy side when it comes to this young man of twenty-three. At least I feel this way this week. I've seen him in both realms. This week though I think he is a nice guy. People do not give him credit for being as caring as he is.

Don't you just love young people? The thrill of being gung-ho about yourself and confident that you know everything that life will throw at you. Fully deceived by your own unwillingness to listen to anyone but yourself and your friends who are the same age. This dark haired man is tall and lean with a winning smile that has charmed the pants off of one or two ladies, more like ten or fifteen no doubt but that's his secret and I really don't want to go there. I am not one of them. I'm old so he's more like the little brother type.

Anyway, he got into a big tiff with his brother and parents last night. They attempted to expose all of his demons but he in turn questioned theirs. As you may have guessed, this never goes over well. Then add a little alcohol to the situation and needless to say it turned an ugly shade of reality that nobody wanted to face. My nice guy/jerk friend was devastated emotionally by the way he was treated by his parents when they attempted to point the finger at him. He retaliated or came to his own defense and reminded them that there were four fingers pointing back at them. Eventually, he honestly broke down. Between the stress going on in his life and the lack of support from anyone he felt like his life was emotionally bankrupt. I am hurt that he was wounded this way.

What does it take to bring a strong-willed man down to his knees? Only the disapproval and accusations of the people most of us hold most dear--our parents. He was correct in his assessment of his own life and asking why his parents are so upset with him for modeling much of the same behavior he saw from them as he grew up. It was a truth hurts epiphany that nobody was willing to discuss but him. I was not there but herd the blow by blow account from one of my 'Drama Queen' friends that witnesses the entire affair. She explained how hurt he was.

I can only imagine the fire flickering and then extinguished from his eyes. Eyes can tell so much and he wears his emotion right there in his eyes. He may have a shaggy beard one day, a clean cut goatee the next, maybe baby-faced and bare the next day but all of his emotions wait to be discovered behind his brooding brows that are the final sentries that protect him from others. This was no bump in life, in my opinion, I think they tried to kill him, a little prize for his honest assessment of how his failures really are part of the failings of his parents. For me, the entire experience solidifies the idea that words can be so harmful to others. It made me shake my head and think no wonder he is all screwed up. He had no choice but to be a dysfunctional adult. Recovery?

I hope he can recover from this terrible tangle with truth. There are all of those catchy bumper sticker and poster sayings that assure you that life is tough but if you buck up enough you can overcome the obstacles of life. What if he can't and what about all of the others who never recover from the hurtful words and disapproval inflicted by the ones you love the most? I want to tell him that I know what happened to him, and mother him in some way and tell him he's a good kid on the verge of great things in his life. People do not always accept these words as truth from friends because they know that most generally that their friends like them. I hope that when I am able to talk to him about this that I can express myself in a way that will not demean him as just the old motherly friend.

You betcha though he can be a real jerk. This guy is too kind and ladies see things in him that make them crazy in love with his smile and his dark wavy hair. He's not exactly a love them and leave them type he's more of the love them and string them along until one girlfriend finds out about the other girlfriend. This gives him just the right amount of jerk quality. I guess as long as you are not romantically involved with him you are safe to call him an all around nice guy. At the end of the day, he will always help a friend in need and is a hard worker, he broke his hand in a scuffle with a guy (his neighbor) when the guy was assaulting his girlfriend in the other apartment. The neighbor told him to mind his own business and my friend showed the guy what it was like to get beat up. He risked life and limb over a woman he didn't even know.

He's rowdy when he drinks but fun when he's not. At twenty-three he's seen more than I ever want my own kids to experience in a lifetime. At the end of the day, I hope to get the chance to talk to this young man and instill some wisdom and confidence in him, he needs to be able to love himself. In my opinion, his parents should be glad that he has not vowed to turn his back on them completely after the things that were said. A lesser man would have walked away forever.

Others

This week we are supposed to write about 'others' or someone/something other than you. As you know, my 'others' are people who are not African-American.

I am happy to report that Damali Ayo is correct in her assessment of 'other' than African American people. I tried the hairstyle pictured just to test her theory that people love to touch ethnic hair. There is truth to this. This experiment has started a little slow but I hadn't been out of my office much yet this morning. Whamo! My very first outing I got a taker.

Incident # 2

She pushed her chair back from her desk, beaming with excitement. "Oh your hair looks great!" Slowly she inched forward. towards me. It It was incredibly difficult for me not to give the 'don't you dare touch my hair' face. I usually wear it with a badge of courage daring anyone to reach my head without a gentle slap. I did not panic nor give the vile look.

"Is this the way you hair really is?"
"Is this the way your hair looks when you go to bed"
"How did you get it to do that, did you just twist it around?"

(Those are real comments by the way)

I did not panic. The excitement and enthusiasm people have this morning as I roam though offices with my new quaff has been amazing. "Your hair looks really cute." My prime target did not touch my hair but she moved towards my desk debating whether or not it would be rude or workplace appropriate to touch. I observed her jerky body movements, it reminded me of an automatic car left to idle forward at a light when the brake is only halfway released. She just kept getting closer and closer without reaching her hand out. I could build an entire scenario around this but I won't. I am amazed that it really is true though. I could not imagine the horror that someone who wears a more natural style must go through every day.

What Damali said is funny but hauntingly on point. She explained that people don't even ask permission before they touch. They fondle you like a new toy or child needing careful inspection when they are injured. Worse, as if assessing your worth at a slave auction. I waited to hear, "Open your mouth" so the buyer could inspect my teeth also. I know that today will bring more comments, ridiculous questions and perhaps more touches. My boys have explained that they get sick of people constantly touching their hair all the time. How long will others not realize that touching someone in that way is not appropriate? I would say that I didn't ask for anyone to inspect me in this way but I did. The question though becomes, if any African-American wears their hair in any ethnic style though does it automatically give others the right to demean you with their actions.

Incident #1

I must back up and explain the scenario from yesterday. Yesterday I brought in a picture of my husband with Nita's little boy propped up on the handlebars of his motorcycle. He is obviously a white baby, very cute with stunning blue eyes. I walked them around in the office and also showed them to anyone who approached me at my desk. Some people automatically knew who he was which impressed me. This shows that they do at least care about me as a person. The shocking thing that really took me to the true nature of the 'others' was the fact that only three people ask his name. On the surface it would seem that my experiment failed but it did not.

I found it interesting that people didn't even care about who these people were exactly. I was touched by the three people who ask who he was and his name. I offered as little information as possible to people and let them do the talking instead. The most outrageous comment I got was, "Now is this your little boy."

I haven't decided yet what the next experiment will be. The day is not over and I plan to make a couple more rounds around the office so as not to miss anyone for todays quaff theory. Some other interesting notes though, a "brown" man (a Caribbean nation I think, it will make sense in a minute) passed through the hall and another man who knew him validated yet another theory of Ayo's. She says that people feel like because you are African-American or in this case a dark brown skinned Caribbean man that they can speak your language or what they think is your language.

This guy shouts above the roar of other voices in the building, "HEY MAWN" I casually shook my head and thought, oh Damali you are so right.

Oh goodie, I get to rant first

This weeks assignment is to write about an other. Well now I can get into that. Other. How about other than white in Idaho. Oh wait that is already me. I think I will just toss out some stereotypes this week and see how people react to them. If you haven't read January 2005 "Email to Junior High Principal, Vice-Principal, 8th Grade Counselor and Teacher" I highly suggest that you read that archived entry.

The story gets more shady because the teacher in question called my home and read me the riot act later that night when I sent the email to the school. If things could not get more bizarrishly freaky he used the line, "but some of my best friends are black what will they think of me?" I know you are shocked to hear that. I know how shocked you are to hear this.

It is late at night and I am writing this, I so feel like outing his butt (that would be posting his name here). The only thing I am afraid of is getting sued. Anyway that jerk denied he ever made the statement.

It gets better! As the end of the next school year came to a close, that teacher's son wrote the "N" word in my sons yearbook. Hmmm? Not a racist eh?. I would like to write about the 'others' this week. I think I will target all y'all that I know are racists (Yeah we know. At some point the racist ones always show their true colors). Don't give me the sigh and eye roll. This is real. Two years in a row I had the "N" word come back in a junior high yearbook (in 2005 and 2006) so don't even give me that sigh. Been called the 'N' word more times living here than any other time in my life. Truth!

So my goal is to say pose certain questions in a group format around some y'all that I know are racist and see how far you'll go to step on yourselves. The one that I usually smoke them out with is by talking about Mexican people. I think all brown people in Idaho should unite. You spy for me and I will spy for you. Generally speaking though some of my hispanic friends and I converse and trade notes from our 'suspect' list. There is this one person I have in mind and I know she gets her sheet out from time to time. Not literally but figuratively. I can not create a fictitious story and that is difficult for me not to, I don't want expose all of the trade secrets.

I think I will base this weeks research off of the book pictured above. Fabulous book by the way. I will take some of the scenarios from the book and just ask people's opinions. Kind of a poll but different. I have to give Damali Ayo her shout out. Amazing writer, amazing book, amazing and more amazing. Okay enough ranting. I have linked the above title to Damali Ayo's website so click on it if you are interested in her book or her work in general. Brilliant, brilliant concept and writer.

Grief, Eating, and Living Again

Grief

I keep obsessing on Nita's death but I know that it has been less than a month since it happened. I keep trying to balance that with my 'real life' emotional state. There are so many ups and downs in the grieving process. The scariest part of all is that I know how I react to extreme emotional stressers like this period of grief. This time I chose to share that photo that circulated with her obituary. Now do you get it? Beautiful, beautiful girl. I see that face and it haunts me. (Click on the title above to read the newspaper story.) My new mantra is, "Don't beat yourself up, it has been less than a month."

Eating

Okay, this Los Beto's thing is getting out of hand. Again my husband comes home with his carne asada burrito from Los Beto's. I keep thinking about having to cruise over to a coffee shop or something to write tomorrow for an assignment but instead all I can think about is my Los Beto's experience. There is an article hanging up in the restaurant raving about the food and lamenting because the writer feels like since they are open 24 hours, they need a restaurant downtown to be closer to the drunks. Somehow they find their way to the other locations though. I thought about a late night or early morning trip myself to sit there with my laptop and write. It has to be much more interesting than hanging out in a coffee shop. How about a nail shop. I do need to go and get my nails done this weekend.

Think about it, all of these crazy sectioned places we go. One time I was in the nail shop and heard how this girl had just dumped her Marine boyfriend. She just could not handle his war experience.

I'd better focus more on my Los Beto's experience. Oh dang I almost forgot there were these two girls in there maybe eighteen, most likely younger. Okay now, I can understand feeling like you are totally cute and wanting to share that with the world but there are limits. This one girl had on shorts, maybe I should just call them underpants. They were barely shorts. Why? Maybe I am just getting old but it seems like people feel free to wear less and less clothing in pubic places. Freaky girl had on panty-shorts. They provided a little more coverage than panties but you could barely call them shorts. I won't belabor this too much more but she thought she was TOTALLY Miss Thang. I often wish for a Los Angeles breakawy moment at times like these. My family does not allow me to do the 'loud talk thing'. I felt the words begging me to blurt something out but I restrained my tongue. Gross! Check it, panty-shorts make you look like a complete fool.

Okay, this is even freakier. Who sunbathes in the Quad at BSU? It took me like ten steps after I passed her and then I thought, what, wait a minute why is she laying out in the Quad in a bikini? People are weird or I am old. I don't think I am old I just think people are strange. Don't even let me get started on the skin cancer and the premature aging that will come form the sunbathing. Sunbathe now, Botox in 15 years when you are all shriveled up. Thank goodness, good black don't crack. I think of it as a natural savings plan.

I better stay on topic. Eating, Los Beto's burritos and the experience I had. Oh, just save it for next time.


Living Again?

I think I am.